“Shush child, listen.
You are heavy because I am holding you”
”MIIIIIIEEEEE……. !? Where are you?” I ask the mirror image of a scruppy little puppy dog who looks like someone who hasn’t had coffee or a proper hug in a year.
There is no answer, except for two expanding pupils wanting to give me all the space in the world and a wet glare on my eye balls, wanting to wash out the greyness of my soul.
I have always shrugged it off when my friends get the birthday blues. Getting older is great! I keep telling you, savor!
…..but then suddenly its sneaking and creaking, those ghostly voices in the corners that whisper that I’m gonna be 30 soon, and I am not where I’m supposed to be, that I let my moment pass me by, that my glamour has fallen off, that this is, as good as it gets….
And then I, I just…. feel colour slowly being drained out of my visions of life and the world until all I’m left with is a grey, windy tunnel narrowing in front of me as the world gets less and less exciting….. :’-O
HELP. You need to be a kick ass human being to still feel meaning, love and joy after spending year after year being a mind numbingly responsible adult. You carry getting worried about paying rent, freezing your butt off to manage the bills, and being tired, hung up and frustrated about work, violence, ignorant media, wars, menstrual cramps, male chauvinism, bad music and all the sourass holes you meet on your way, who bump into you in the metro, cut in front of you in the queue, disappear with your rent deposits, and grieving the fact that you every day turn more and more into one of those sour-assed bastardettes yourself O.O
I need a break. And then they still tell me not to complain because I have a job, and I don’t get bitten on it (my friend does, and she also gets paid half of what I do).
In either case 3 0 is coming for me and with all this crap around I felt the need to prepare a bit to avoid the Birthday blues turning into any kind of tragic self hating events of putting myself down for succumbing to our uggously ageist society.
So I went ahead and bought a 75 pound lack blazer from Benetton. Oh me so snazzy, if I must wear grown up clothes let them be gorgeous!
Got my first pair of glasses – I will finally once again be able to find my gate at the airport without use of a seeing eye dog
….and of course I coloured my hair green and blue and went to Camden’s most awesome rave store Cyberdog to retrieve my life’s most beautiful and expensive little pot of multi coloured body glitter, followed by a trip in the rain to get too big canvasses to so tender and lovingly destroy. Because I truly feel responsible for painting any grey object with colour and sparkle, that’s why Goddess made me, and all the rest is just passing time.
Also, I got a ticket for Japan, but that’s another story…